Training Your Human

  1. Wake them up every 15 minutes by unsheathing sharpened daggers of ingratitude on various body parts.

  2. Demand attention by insisting on strutting across any reading material which may be in use.

  3. The Sunday Paper works best for this. There is so much crinkley paper to make lots of noise with!

  4. Encourage excersise by shredding newspapers and/or hiding the mail.

  5. Verbalize a lot and possibly resort to destroying furniture to keep the food dish full.

  6. To promote screaming and hysterics (for your own entertainment) make sure the mouse is still alive when you drop it at their feet.

  7. Wake them up one minute before the alarm clock by sticking your paw up thier nose. Works every time.

  8. Be sure to shed massive amounts of hair in the computer keyboard so that they think of you lovingly when they clean it out.

  9. Yowl loudly to alert sleeping humans that there may be a piece of paper dancing around the yard with the wind.

  10. Also, you may alert your human of the fact that someone may even be driving by the house.

  11. And, to gain the most attention in the shortest amount of time, sit and stare (at nothing apparent to the human) and don't move. This will drive them nuts, and will prompt them to get down on the floor with you.

  12. You can do the same to a wall or ceiling and the bravest of humans will start believing in UFO's in a hurry!

  13. A well placed mouse in mom's shoe should get a great response.

  14. Celebrate the uncluttered '90s by clearing all those knick knacks off mantles and shelves.

  15. Be sure to lay on thattowel your human has ready for after the shower. (gets rid of unwanted fur)

  16. Yawn frequently to show off those razor sharp fangs. Keep 'em guessing.

  17. Domesticated feline? No such thing. We do as we please.

  18. Lay in wait and ferociously attack daddy's leg while he is half asleep at 3am and heading to that strange 'throne room'.

  19. Rub on wall corners openly displaying the need for one of those cool stick on brushes so you can groom at will.

  20. Attack mom's head while sneakily hiding on top of the fridge. Good for a few laughs, but works better in darkness or low light.

  21. "Flame Broiling beats frying!" Better to steal a hot dog from the grill rather than a sausage from the griddle. Much less painful.

  22. "Never get Caught" is my motto...should have followed that today, but who knew the bird cage would tip so easily?

  23. Always collapse right in front of their feet when they are entering the room/house. This will make them notice you!

  24. Meow pitifully when they discover you've done something bad. Go for the guilt factor, and they can't punish you too badly.

  25. Show them who is boss! Get UNDER the covers on the bed!

  26. Also, commandeer the pillow! Goose down is the best.

  27. Plus, the water glass on the night stand is fair game, Agree?

  28. Have your human get you Kitty Friendly Plants to chew on. Avoid the bad ones.

  29. Spontaneously shed three pounds of fur on the humans food. Pretty much guaranteed to provide free snacks.

  30. Practice your beautician skills at 4am; give Mom or Dad a "Kitty pedicure" (curl around human foot and attempt to chew off toes.)

  31. From Casper! "The Silent Meow" Look up at your human with extreme pity, open and move your mouth but let nothing come out! This trick is great for causing instant concern and is good for some rubs or maybe even a treat.

  32. Pick a piece of furniture and claim it! Shed 6,614 hairs on it instantly and no Human will sit there.

  33. Choose the Human who is most allergic to you to sit on. Also, picking a Human who you know won't push you off is a good choice!

  34. Whenever you run around the house at 423 mph, you should incorporate your Human as a Rebound Spot. This teaches them to pay attention to you!

  35. If you need to wake them up in the morning (or at 4am) use the old Paw Up The Nose trick. It will work!

  36. Get them to think you are unhappy at dinner: Let them think you really wanted the Chopped Grill, not the Seafood Feast.

  37. With Great Feverish Abandon: Start your Great Escape Hole. Theis could be in the middle of the living room floor, or wherever you will get the most visual attention works the best.

  38. This is Big Time Kitties! Make sure it is late at night, Your Mommy Human should be laying all snuggled up on that Great Scratching Post called a Sofa, Daddy should be working late. Mom would have to be immersed in a small thingie that has a picture of some kind of creature on it. You need to stare intently at a wall or ceiling, making no noise. Make sure they see you looking at *nothing*. Mom will most assuredly either hide under the blanket whimpering, or you may even get a Treat! She may actually get on the floor with you and start looking to see what you see! Ha ha! Look at her s...l..o...w...l...y...and look solemnly back at The Spot. She may actually start locking doors and carrying a big stick around.

  39. Wait until they are sleeping soundly, and start pushing with your feet to get them as close to the edge of the bed as you can. Sometimes you can actually get them to fall off! Make sure you getthe pillow, too!

  40. You can also make sure you eat a big, smelly,btuna dinner and start breathing in their faces. This can get them to move, too!

  41. Train your Human to give you FRESH water every single day! If they do not, start sticking your face in their water cup!

  42. Play nice with the Human during the day, leave the bloodletting until 3am during that walk to the room they go to sit down in once in a while! (What ever do they do in there?)

  43. From Claudie!
    "Thanks for the great advice Boo! Might I add that a well timed hairball arfing from a room with nice carpeting brings the human running fast. A last straw effort of course, but effective!!!! - - - Claudie "

  44. Terrorize the D*gs next door by sitting in your window and *refusing* to 'see' them!

  45. When your Human yells at you, for something you may or may not have done, be sure to suddenly: as if you just thought of it and your very life depends on it: wash your paw.

  46. Sometimes, just falling right over pretending (or not) to sleep can give a big desired effect! Especially when the Human is trying to scold you.

  47. Humans sometimes get us these things that they put on corners and they are really cool 'cause they are brushes with cat-nip in it, but I say, even if you love that corner, start using another corner! This is sure to confuse 'em!

  48. When face to face with a Mr. Filthy Rat, yowl for Mom to come running. She may get so startled she might actually let you out to fight the Beast! Mrrow!

  49. Sleep is very important to Kitties. Where is the second important thing! Try the Humans bed, face, pillow, favorite chair, or even the sink when it is hot out. Make sure they don't turn on the sink while you are in it!

  50. Drool all over freshly cleaned windows, this way you can see them before you crash into them!

  51. Meow loudly when you usually are quiet, this prompts the Human to pick you up and pay lots of attention to you because there may be "something wrong!"

  52. Make sure your Human knows you are the boss and you will decide when and where they will sleep.

  53. It is better to have the whole foot of the bed so you can stretch out. Who cares if they say that they are taller? Let them get their own bed!

  54. Track your litter all over freshly washed floors. This way you don't slip and slide. It provides great traction.

  55. Another thing to get even with your Human, train them to walk funny when they get out of the shower by sprinkeling your 'clumpable' litter in front of the shower door. Let them try to get that stuff off thier wet feet! ha ha!

  56. Drool excessivly on Dads new work pants. Let his boss think he is incontenent! heh heh heh.

  57. Kill all crinkley peices of paper, especially the ones that make the most noise, but only at 3am!

  58. Practice your voice lessons. (at 4am!)

  59. Make them miserable by climbing the drapes so that they finally buy you one of those $300.00 Cat Trees. Then, don't use it. Continue climbing the drapes!

  60. Grab an end of a new yarn and traipse through the house with it entwining it through all the furniture.

  61. Make sure you sleep on their bed with only your head touching the pillow. They will think you are too cute and won't disturb you.

  62. Meow pitifully at the cabinet where they keep your food. When they finally get up and get it for you walk away. Do this several times, making sure to make noise when you know they are watching their favorite program on the Flickering Box.

  63. Rub all over the computer moniter after it has been on. the static will take excess fur off you, and remind the silly Human that you rule the roost.

  64. Deploy all hard toys directly in the path of the Human when he/she goes to the Human Litterbox room. Bare feet will detect the toys wonderfully!

  65. Be sure to lick all the cream filling out of the Twinkie while your Human gets another glass of milk.

  66. While the Human is pondering the sudden disappearance of the cream filling drink the milk.

  67. While the Human is being strapped in the straight jacket stretch out on your new couch. (make sure the Human has already gone shopping for your treats.

  68. These next ten are just a few of the tricks of the Kittens Milliken, sent to you by spokescat Noelani Misty Babycat Milliken

    1. If sticking your paw up the human's nose does not work, drool in their face. I guarantee this will work.

    2. Hide. And hide. And hide. And don't come out until you hear a sound of desperation in your human's voice. Then saunter out and look at her as if to say "Well I have been here all along."

    3. If your Mewmie washes on a rainy day, track mud all over the clean unfolded clothes. Hee Hee. If it isn't raining, just shed 5000 lbs of fur on the clothes.

    4. After your human closes all the curtains at night and gets all comfy on the couch in her unfurry outfit, sneak over and carefully open the drapes. This will really embarrass your human.

    5. Stay out in the garden and refuse to come in until your human comes out, tramps through the wet grass, unlocks the gate and walks over to pick you up. Then race away, jump through the kitty window and meow at the door until she relocks the gate, comes back inside and opens the inside door for you.

    6. Allow yourself to get locked up overnight in the spare bedroom, which really has some fun things to play in. Then meow piteously the next morning when your human lets you out. This is bound to get you some kitty treats, because your human feels so guilty about locking you in.

    7. Pant and meow and act like you are dying of thirst until your human gets up and turns on the kitchen faucet for you so you can have a FRESH drink of water. Never drink out of the water dish!

    8. Jump up and walk precariously on the edge of the large aquarium and act like you are going to fall in. Your human will have a heart attack, and jump up to rescue you.

    9. Climb up to the highest place in the house and pretend like you are afraid to jump back down. Wait until your human gets clear to the top rung of the ladder and is just reaching for you, then gracefully leap past her to the floor.

    10. When your human is brushing her teeth at night, sneak in and grab the bathtub stopper and hide it. The next day when she tries to take a bath, she will have to stuff a washrag in the drain to keep the water in. Hee Hee. Thank you! Tips are used with purrrmission.

  69. These next five tips are from Dalton the Wonder Cat , used with purrrmission.

    1. The TV Guide
      The cover is for wimps. Open it to the correct date, leave your present and close it!

    2. Running Shoes
      Hewmins are half sleep in the mornings and they usually put their feet in before checking. For the adventurous feline, try doing this while the shoes are still IN the gym bag!

    3. Any remote control Pace yourself. Most homes have an assortment of these, specially if you live with a male of the hewmin species. Make an extra effort to sit in it afterwards. This makes it sink in between the buttons and it's harder to remove!

    4. A ceiling fan Make sure it's not on when you attempt this maneuver. This one is particularly charming since your present will be catapulted throughout the entire room and everyone will know how much joy you derive from giving!

    5. Last, but certainly not least...THE PIECE DE RESISTANCE!
      THE D*G! Yes, the d*g! Not only is this a conversation starter but think of all the hours of fun you will provide for your humans and their friends as they try to figure out HOW the dog managed to soil himself on his back! You need excellent balance and a very stupid d*g. Promise the d*g anything! Tell him how pleased the hewmins will be. The trick is to get him to stand in front of the doorway perfectly still until the hewmins get home and VOILA...SUCCESS!

  70. This next Tip is from Emmy, Jazz, Tom & Belle - The 4 Flaky Felines , used with purrrmission. Come visit them!

  71. From Keets and the gang! Thank mew!
    Insist that you must have a drink of water out of the sink right where your mommie is trying to put her contacts in. They love cat hairs in the eye!
    (I myself use this one! - KKB)

  72. From Sushi I, Sushi (a de-clawed feline) has decided that the furry best way of training your huooman is to use a loving, gentle approach. I prefer to show my love in the same way you show it to other cats. At about 3:00 AM, I get in a very loving mood and start grooming (sometimes I even start smurgling) my hooman, His hair is so very much in need of my care that I start there. He wakes up, noticing how sweet and loving I am, that he repays me by feeding me, changing my waterdish, and then cleans out my litterbox! As they say, "you can catch more flies with honey". Try this, it works every time!

  73. This letter was sent to me from Leutenant Merlin - "Head of the Farquhar household"! This is great! Thank you Leutenant Merlin. :)
    My name is Merlin Farquhar. Yes, my mom gave me this silly last name that no one can pronounce. To me, I am just Merlin. Let me tell ya somth'n. Within 2 years I have got my hooman wrapped around my paw. My mom does anything I want. Though, she does get upset when she is in that room with all the yummy food and I jump on her backside and startle her and run away. Hee hee. She yells that I am a psycho. I don't have a furry care about it at all. She is just this giant bald cat that I love to attack for no reason. I also am allowed to walk on the counter and investigate the yummies she is preparing. But every time I get close to investigate what she is doing, she shoos me back. Ha! No worry. Soon enough I will be able to taste everything she prepares.
    I know how to handle my hooman. If you act mushy enough, rubbing yourself on their bald legs, and making the happy purring sound they like all the time, they won't be able to refuse you anything!! My hooman is even my butler!! Yes kitties, I said my butler. Get this. Paw at the door to go outside. If your mommy says no, run around from room to room, window to window, door to door meowing and howling. No matter how much my mommy yells at me I persist just to drive her nutz! Eventually they will let you out. Then, in about 5 min, paw at the door to come in. They will get mad but, let them. You are just trying to train your hooman. Eventually they will just bend to your every whim. After about 5 min, ask to go back out. Meow as loud as you can if you have to. Some hoomans try to turn the table and try to break you of this crazy behavior. Well, my mommy thought she was smart and tried to ignore me. I went in front of her, sat down, and stared at her, giving a sad meow every now and then. You have to stay there. Don't give up!!! Just stay there and stare at them, and eventually they will let you out. If you persist in this type of behavior everyday, they will let you in and out whenever you want. My mommy even tried keeping the door open for me. I finally had her trained. But, in a few days these little tasty things with wings started flying around the house, and my mom started closing the door again, which basically put her back into butler status again. But, I did not mind. It was sooooo much fun chasing those yummy things around and finally getting the tasty treat I worked for.
    So, my kitty brothers and sisters. There are many ways to train your hooman and having a royal life. They will answer to your every whim, but remember, we have to play mushy alot. As long as they are in love with your attention and cuteness(which every kitty is cute and beautiful) you will have them wrapped around your paw. Remember, our kind were here before they were so we have to keep these hoomans in line. I want to join your ranks and be Leutenant Merlin. I have lots of tips to share and advice to teach for those young in life. We ruled this planet before, we rule the african plains, now we must rule our households and all the hoomans in it!!! Ha!!! And they call us domestic kittys. We have tactics that can be useful in taking back our planet. Mind games. They love that and fall for it every time. Remember, Cutness and mushiness is the way. Though its humiliating, sometimes those backrubs are heavenly. Win their hearts and you'll have a pet hooman for life!!!!

  74. This comes from Princess ! Princess's Tip is: Make your human feed you fishes! - Yay! GREAT Tip!

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If you have any to add to my growing list, Meow Mail me and I will add it, and give you credit!


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